Bachelor contestant beaten up (by his girlfriend)

I'm going to punch you in the face.

If any total losers are reading this then they'll probably remember Byron Velvick and Mary Delgado from that high-quality reality show, The Bachelor. If you're not a loser and thus don't watch The Bachelor then all you need to know is the couple "fell in love" on the show in 2004 and lived happily ever after... until last night, when Mary totally punched Byron in the goddamn face. Yeehaw! Then he got the cops to arrest her. Chivalry ain't dead, folks.

Oops, I'm in jail.

In a delightful testament to how fucking spastic reality TV is, the couple were the only contestants who stayed together for any length of time. They were due to be married this month. Happy honeymoon!

Check it out for yourself:

• Bitch punches retard in the face
• Wikipedia entry on the dude

David Hasselhoff is Rad

In a move that will thrill both Germans and people who love laughing at David Hasselhoff, The Hoff has actually gone so bat-shit insane that he's reprising his Knight Rider role from the 1980s - the decade of hairspray, denim, and words like "rad" - Josh Grossberg reports for E! Online.

The cool amongst you may remember David from his latest Oscar-worthy role: acting like a drunk, fucked up douche on the bathroom floor, and talking mad fucked up shit into a handycam. In case you didn't know, check this sweet shit out:



Also, in yet another genius career move, Grossberg reports Hasselhoff is hard at work with Ryan Seacrest (Jesus fucking Christ) on a new show called Tales from the Hoff (ha ha, is that seriously the name?)

I like TV dinners.	I like cock.

You may remember Variety's Josef Adalian (amongst others) dishing the ginormous scoop on this fiesty project a few months back, but now it's actually goddamn happening. I honestly don't see why this Hasselhoff guy has such a drinking problem; he has so much to live for.

Check out the links:

• New Knight Rider
• E! to tell Tales from the Hoff